I have to remind myself that self love is a journey that will never have a destination. Always moving forward, learning, seeing new things. It's ok to change speed and direction. But it should never stop. Keep going.

My first thought of turning 36 this month is my new description. You know, if I ever went missing or committed a crime. Female, white... mid to late thirties.

Sigh...

Mid to late 30s.

Honestly, most days I still feel like I am 21. These numbers really don't hold the weight I thought they would. I still laugh, sing, have adventures and enjoy life.

In honor of the big 36, here are 36 things I have learned over my 36 years of life.. my little life tips...

1. There will never ever be an electronic device capable of giving the pure joy of reading a real paper book.

2. I never thought I would like being a mother, but it's actually pretty awesome.

3. Naps are amazing.

4. Happiness is a choice. And sometimes you really have to fight for it. Like really fight. But it's worth it. Life is too short to be content in sadness.

5. Your definition of love will change throughout the years. I used to think things always had to feel new and exciting... that they would be easy. But it's about learning to give and understanding it will always need an honest effort, open heart, and time. Be with someone you truly enjoy just being around.

6. Blood isn't the only requirement for families and stable bonds. It's not a requirement at all. Some of the most important people in our lives won't be blood family. And some of our blood family will let us down the most.

7. Don't waste your time stressing out over what other people think of you. They have the right to these opinions and it's not your job to change their minds. You know your worth and value as a person.

8. You're never too old to keep dreaming, using your imagination, and telling stories. Magic and pretend isn't just for our child years.

9. Cooking at home is actually pretty awesome. Eating out is great, but creating a meal, especially for someone else is so rewarding. And it's fun to learn new recipes and techniques.

10. You need hobbies and things for yourself. Let them be as simple as playing video games or as complex as building delicate models. If it gives you happiness, go for it. Everyone needs a break from the real world.

11. Be grateful, practice gratitude. Sprinkle more kindness in the world than their is sand on a beach.

12. Having a personal relationship with nature and the universe is life changing. There is a certain comfort in knowing everything is connected and that we were all once stars. Simple reflection sitting on a beach, or watching the moon. It's wonderful.

13. Accumulating memories and experiences are far more important than possessions. When it's our last days on this Earth, we won't be thinking about our $1000 cellphones. We will be thinking about our friends, family, and that last sunset.

14. Spend time in silence. Learn about Meditation. Time alone in your own mind is priceless.

15. Our company affects us. It shifts and molds who we are. And I am not just speaking as an empath, I believe this applies to everyone. Surround yourself with good people who put out good vibes. The others will eat at you and eventually become a burden on your mental health.

16. Let the people you love and care about know that you do... and as often as you can. You really don't know what will happen. Life is so short.

17. When people tell you that you've changed, you're weird, or you're not who you used to be. Take it as a compliment. Even if it wasn't intended that way. We as humans should always be changing. Growing, learning new things, new perspectives, and opinions. Change and growth is a good thing. Be wary of those who aren't able to change, adapt, and grow.

18. Let others have their views and opinions. Remember that as long as their opinion isn't causing harm to another's quality of life, it's really no concern to you. In a time of Trump, this is especially hard for me. But learning to pick and choose your battles is important. Just because someone disagrees with you doesn’t mean either of you are wrong. Contrast brings clarity and compassion.

19. Ask questions and never stop learning. Dare to learn new perspectives.

20. Spend less time on social media. The happiest people I have met over the years don't even have a facebook page. I think social media is an important tool for keeping in touch with old friends. But it also causing a lot of inauthenticity in our lives and can sometimes cause more harm than good. Kill the mindless scrolling.

21. Less really can be more in terms of value in our friendships. Quality over quantity is very important.

22. Most people are good, decent people. In our hardest times on this Earth, it can be hard to see it. Especially for someone who struggles with leaking back to her cynical feelings towards humanity as I do. Sigh... but really, I know this to be true.

23. You will get through that worst day of life. It's different for everyone, and you will know it when it hits you. But also know, it's going to get better.

24. The friends that still want to talk to you when you disappear for weeks, months, and even years at a time. When you forget to call or text. Love them, adore them. Those are your forever people. They are your tribe.

25. Credit and debit can destroy your life. I am not even kidding. Take care of your credit score.

26. Drink water. Lol yeah, I'm serious. And coconut oil is for the skin. Don't eat it.

27. Grow your own plants and even food if possible. Fresh fruits and vegetables are delicious and magically taste better when you're the one who grew them.

28. The hardest part of making big changes in your life is making the decision to do it. Once that happens, the rest seems to fall into place.

29. I am enough. I am. And so are you. The more you love yourself, the easier it is to find the imbalances in your life.

30. I've never regretted taking time to work out or do yoga. The fact that I run from it is pretty silly honestly.

31. Deep conversations about everything and nothing set my soul on fire.

32. Just the simple act of making your bed can make your entire day better. I am not even kidding. Try it.

33. When you stop constantly focusing on the bad things, or the problems. The solutions come.

34. Trust your gut feelings. Your intuition. The vibes you get from people and things. Most times you're probably right.

35. When it comes to coffee, tea, icecream, and sushi... spend the little extra money when you can indulge. The quality matters.

36. Sex is better in your 30s. Trust me.

*Bonus life lesson* We can call this, like the extra candle, one to grow on...

37. There is an saying... "Do what you love, and love what you do." The cynicism inside me always lead me to laugh at this as most people will not make a living doing what they love. And I know what you're thinking, don't you love photography, and yes - I do, it's my world. But what I love about it is the 100% freedom and control with my art. I don't get that much when doing work for clients. And that is ok, I am here to do what I am paid to do when it comes to business. I am happy with my job, but what I am trying to convey here is much deeper. I learned that just because something you love to do isn't bringing you financial gain doesn't mean it doesn't have real value in your life. You can do what you love, and make money in something else. You just need to find balance. You're allowed to have both. The most rewarding things in my life, what I truly love doing is helping people in my online communities for Lung Cancer, and my volunteer work in hospices. I don't make any money doing these things, but the value is truly priceless. And even with my art and photography... my favorite pictures will always be the ones that I took for free.

I hope this list brought some perspective into my adult life, and maybe some hope for yours as well. You don't have to agree with everything I have said here, or anything for that matter. We all have to find our own little place in this world.

Until next time, love and light friends.

A little New Years offering for my alter. As I sit here and reflect, I used to view New Year's resolutions as a bad thing. I'd set them, I would fail. I would feel inadequate and unworthy. I stopped making them. I didn't set any goals for myself. I stood still. I laid stagnant in life for nearly 2 years. Towards the end of 2017 I said I was tired, and I had enough. I went on for most of my life believing that if you can't be happy where you are, you will never find happiness elsewhere. I am here to tell you that this idea, this motto... it's not true. It's ok to walk away. You can leave behind the unhappy relationships with friends, family, and the communities that are holding you back. It's ok to love yourself, and do what is best for YOU. I told my friends in November of that year I was leaving, and they kind of laughed it off. In fairness, I had said that I was leaving many times before. I am not sure I would have taken myself seriously either. I lived in a city and state I despised. A place I moved for my ex-husband and never wanted to go. 11 years of disgust. I was surround by pernicious people. People who were so unhappy in their own lives that you felt the bad vibes as soon as you went outside. It brought me nothing but pain. I had many toxic friendships that drew the life out of me. I slowly became a person I hated. Someone I didn't recognize when I looked in the mirror. I tried so hard to be happy... to grow and thrive where I was. I cut off the bad people. All of them. I kept to myself. But just like trees and plants.... if your roots are in bad soil, and your limbs and branches can not reach the light... you can not grow. I saved money, set small term goals and the end of March, 2018 I said goodbye forever to Carlisle, Pennsylvania. Life here in Chicago isn't perfect. I am still grieving. I am fighting PTSD, anxiety, and depression. However, I swear every single day I somehow still feel blessed. I feel as if my worst days here are so much better than some of the best in Pennsylvania. This year my goals are spiritual. Continue to thrive, find my relationship with nature and the universe. To make my own magic... only putting out kindness. I will post the full list below. If anyone reading this is scared to make a change, or doesn't think it will be worth it... I am here to tell you ignore those voices and set the goals. If I can do it, anyone can. You are worth the love and happiness in this world. Don't settle for anything less.

"Avoid overthinking, overanalyzing, and complicating things. Keep everything simple. Life is much more beautiful and enjoyable this way."

Sometimes the tools to a happier life are right within my grasps. Yet, the struggle of knowing what's good for me, and training my mind to think positive sometimes feels impossible.

I truly admire those who do it so well that it has become an effortless art form.

​Just my Monday Morning thoughts through meditation after a mostly sleepless night. Sometimes the best motivation is knowing that small steps are ok and you're not the only one who struggles to get it right. It's not always our accomplishments that need celebration, but our attempts as well.

*Disclaimer; I was not paid or given any free products to express these opinions.

The very first time Doterra was mentioned to me and how I needed to try it was when my father was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. Now I had already been using Essential oils... but this was supposed to be THE brand to go to.

My father was dying and I was desperate to try anything to give him some peace and relief. My bill with them was over $200 for 3 oils. Yes, you read that correctly. Full disclosure, I do not mind paying more for quality. I buy organic vegetables and locally grown from my farmer's market. So I was willing to pay for quality. But even more so...to dig into the way I was thinking at this time. I wasn't in my right mind when my dad passed. I did not have time to do price checking. My only concern was if these oils were real and could get here fast as I could not travel to the place where I normally went. I needed mail order.

They arrived a little later than what the website said. But still a fair amount of time. I take no issues with this.

After my father passed, which had absolutely no relations to the oils. He had end stage lung cancer, oils were for comfort... I started to do a little research on Doterra and their oils.

And again, let me stress... the oils were good quality. But I noticed right away that they were not much different, if any than the oils I already had in my home. So I got to thinking... why were these 2x and in some cases 3x the money?

Their website says: "certified pure therapeutic grade"

That sounds amazing, right? But what does it mean exactly?

"Therapeutic Grade Essential Oils is a Potentially Misleading Claim. No governmental agency or generally accepted organization "grades" or "certifies" essential oils as "therapeutic grade," "medicinal grade," or "aromatherapy grade" in the U.S." (aromaweb)

And the more I researched I found that not only is it basically a meaningless term. Doterra made it up. This next part is from their own website;

"Without an accepted standard for essential oil quality, doTERRA created its own testing process, calling it CPTG Certified Pure Therapeutic Grade®."

I started to feel a bit stupid. I wished I had reached out to other people in the cancer community before spending all that money. But the cancer industry, much like Doterra knows when people are desperate for health and a long life for ourselves or a loved one... well we would do just about anything.

Then I got really curious about their marketing techniques and the way they ran their company. Full disclosure, I despise MLM companies. I think they sell people pipe dreams, encourage bad Karma, and make you sell to your friends and family to be successful. What a nightmare.

The lady I bought mine from was a casual friend on Facebook. She tried to push me to join, and it kinda irritated me at the time because I kept having to reiterate to her that my father is dying. I am in charge of his hospice care. I have no time to join your team.

I also found it odd that she, and other sellers on Facebook insist you give them your email address so that they can further discuss the benefits and uses of these oils.

Why was this? Well I later found out Facebook has been laying the ban hammer on MLM company reps. Especially those who make statements not approved by the FDA.

Come to find out the FDA has been up their bums since 2014. And before you jump on the conspiracy theory train.... The FDA isn't anti Essential Oils. Neither is the National Cancer Society.

Again, not disputing Essential Oils. I think they are AMAZING! And if you want some science to back it up, check out this study: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4070586/

My issue is the shady dealings and over priced product of one company. So let's continue....

I still couldn't find anything that justifies the increased cost of these oils that use the same exact ingredients and sources as other companies.

And I wasn't alone. Many people and former reps have came fourth with their stories about the extreme costs of these oils. Many felt guilty for selling these products to people with limited income because they knew that there were cheaper alternatives out there.

(I will link some of those stories below)

One thing I keep hearing over and over is all the good this company is doing for people. How amazing their oils are for people. But if the average person can not afford the oil, what good are they actually doing?

I am a firm believer in this:

So exactly how much more money is Doterra to other companies? Let's break it down.

Doterra Lavender: $28.00 for 0.5oz
Eden's Garden Lavender $10 for 0.5 oz
Plant Therapy Lavender $6.95 for 0.5 oz

How about something as simple as Basil. Here are screenshots from their websites;

These are huge differences. And if you research just these two companies I used as examples (Eden's Garden & Plant Therapy) you will see they have absolutely outstanding reviews.

The big difference? 30% 40% and in most cases over 50% cheaper. Their blends are double and some go for over $100 for 15 ml. Why in the world is that?

I am not here to bash the quality of Doterra. Again, I purchased my own oils from the company in 2016. I was happy with the oil... but I felt I was cheated with the price.

Is Doterra a scam? In my honest opinion, all MLM companies are scammers. And most people will not make the money they are told. In fact, most could earn more getting a part time minimum wage job.

And their oils were not any better than most of the leading brands you can buy on the market. Including those sold in Walmart and other major retailers.

But ultimately this is a decision you have to make for yourself. And YOUR Karma.

Do you honestly feel it is morally right to sell people who may be struggling financially oils at 3x what other companies charge for the same quality oils? Because again, let me stress... the oils were good quality. But I noticed right away that they were not much different, if any than the oils I already had in my home. So why 2x and in some cases 3x the money?

Do you think it's fair to take advantage of people who are already paying HUGE medical bills? People with cancer? People with chronic illnesses?

Do you want to push products on your friends and family to make a little extra income?

People who trust YOU to help them make an important choice.

That is for you to decide. Personally, I can't lie to people just to make a quick buck.

If you found this blog post because you were worried about Doterra and heard some of the things I did... And now you're like crap, then where do I buy my oils?

Here are a few alternatives that I use. I encourage you to do your own research and make the best decisions for you and your family. There are MANY others out there. You could probably even find some small local person who makes their own blends as well.
​

https://www.edensgarden.com

https://www.planttherapy.com




Other blogs discussing Doterra:

https://katherinemaslen.com/essential-oil-lies-what-you-need-to-know-about-doterra-and-young-living/

http://becomingpeculiar.com/why-i-quit-doterra-and-what-im-doing-instead/

https://www.theessentialfamily.com/why-i-passed-on-doterra-essential-oils/

https://www.brocantehome.net/2016/05/25/why-i-am-no-longer-selling-doterra-oils/

https://www.granolababies.com/blogs/granola-living/why-i-don-t-use-doterra-young-living-or-other-multi-marketing-brands-of-essential-oils

Ashlie, Poppy Marie, and I pulled some universe cards and picked out our favorite crystals so they can be charged by the full moon tonight. We added some pinecones and simple earthy rocks we found on our hike over the weekend. We are trying to make this a mother / daughter tradition. It's really nice to have this to share with them.

The full moon means a lot of different things to different people. Some use it as an opportunity to remove the things that no longer serve us and to complete things we need to do.

Many cultures and people believe in following the cycles of the moon. One complete cycle of the moon takes exactly 28 days to complete. Similar to a women's menstrual cycle.. which is why some cultures believe the moon to be female. And a full moon being the time to embrace the feminine, emotional, creative and nurturing aspects of our lives.

I personally notice I am a bit more anxious around this time. Sometimes a bit combative. Whilst I have heard others experience happiness during a full moon.

Lots of different rituals are done on a full moon. Some really neat group meditations and gatherings. Beautiful candle ceremonies. Moon baths. Making alters.. Charging your crystal and pulling cards from your favourite decks. Some people make full moon teas and healing sprays (full moon nights that rain).

I love to focus / meditate on the things I need to work on, and the things I need to let go of. I keep a simple journal of monthly goals and I go through the ones I still need to complete and work on.

I plan I going for a hike this evening to really take it in. I am hoping it doesn't rain. Happy Harvest Moon. 🍃🍂🌾🌻🌕

Last night I dreamed about fishing at the lake with my dad... the lake off Webster ave in Pelham, NY. I often wonder how it looks now and if I am remembering it right and how much has changed over the years. One of my favorite things to do was see how much the trees grew in photos from the year before.

As the dream went on I started to remember my dad's Lung Cancer....I wonder why he isn't sick and why we are back in NY. Then it hits me....

My grandfather walks up to me, and we are both watching my dad fish.

I said to him, "he looks good, huh?"
He smiled at me...
I then said... "I know I'm sleeping."

His face dropped and everything around us went grey. Just a big empty space. My grandfather and I are the only two people there. I then said...

"It's ok. Thank you for letting me come here."

And he hugged me. He hugged me so tight I felt it and I swear it was real. I woke up feeling content.... and calm. Many times I dreamt about my dad or my grandparents it hits me that I am dreaming, but this is the first time I ever told them I knew.

My new sleepless night routine is listening to the old 1950s Scifi radio show X Minus One. I am obsessed. The story telling is great. A lot of it is predictable, but there are some surprises. I was very surprised at the quailty. Sounds as good as it did when it first aired I imagined.
I think it's also a cool way to connect with my dad as this was one of the shows he listened to as a kid. I find a lot of enjoyment in doing the things he loved. I truly believe that our loved ones live on through us. Doing their hobbies, listening to their music, telling their stories.

If you can't get out the house to see a therapist, or don't have health insurance. I highly recommend www.betterhelp.com
They have a ton of promo codes for free sessions floating around the internet. I am not sponsored by them, so sadly I don't have a promo code... but if you google around, I am sure you can find them. Their website is full of licensed therapists and you can even shop around until you find the one that works best for you.
Video chat, phone call, text / email. As often as you need. Whatever works best for you and your budget.
I personally use them.
((***edit I recently found out they have discounts for low income families. I am not sure how this works, but worth an inquiry. ))
Struggling a bit financially but still need someone to talk to? https://www.7cups.com also has licensed therapists, but also offers a FREE community with tons of resources and communities + FREE peer to peer chat. So if you're looking to talk to someone dealing with something similar, they are a community of really awesome people.
If you need help right now in this very moment, the national suicide hotline is 1-800-273-8255
Or if you are like me, and talking on the phone with strangers gives you a bit of anxiety...
Text 741741 from anywhere in the USA to text with a trained Crisis Counselor.
I also can suggest some spiritual coaches and peer support groups if needed. Just shoot me a message here or on fb.

“Dear Universe, May I now be permitted to clear this space so that my intentions can flow clearly from my heart onto paper. So be it, so it is.”

#NewMoon #MoonRitual #NewMoonManifesting

I don't think anxiety is the same for every person. And I believe there is this huge misconception that one can simply turn it off like a light switch.

Sometimes my anxiety makes me feel like everyone hates me. I mean... everyone. Honestly if you've been in my life the past ten years, I have felt this way about you at some point. Maybe you took too long to answer a text. Maybe you were busy and didn't answer at all. The littlest things can trigger these thoughts. And it's nothing anyone did wrong. Life happens. Rational normal thinking me gets that.. I do. But anxiety me doesn't.

Sometimes at night I stay up until six am thinking about an awkward moment I had with a friend a week ago. Maybe a year ago - or ten? The time and space between an incident really doesn't matter. I am still going to think about it. I am going to worry about it. Despite knowing the person it involved probably doesn't even remember what happened. I still care.

I take everything personally. Even if I don't outwardly show it. I often think that I am being annoying, or that I am talking too much. And I rarely text first because of my overwhelming fears of rejection.

Even though I know all these thoughts are not rational, simply telling me "don't think that way" doesn't work. It does more harm than good because it's just frustrating.

Anxiety becomes so overwhelming for me at times that I feel like I can not breathe. Like a hugs pile of cinderblocks have fallen on to my chest and then someone sat down on them.

Some days everything feels so overwhelming that I can't even get out of bed. I feel physical pain. My body hurts. I feel sick to my stomach. Sometimes I even throw up. I get headaches that bring me to tears.

People with anxiety aren't pretending to have an illness for attention. Most of us don't even talk about it because it's embarrassing and we are misunderstood. It makes us feel out of control with our own lives. With our friends, our spouses, our family, our children.... We don't want this life....

And just because we have irrational fears at times doesn't mean we aren't logical and critical thinkers. As I said above, I know the thoughts or feelings aren't usually true. But that doesn't stop my mind (and body) from going through the motions.

Everyone's levels of anxiety are different. So are our ways of dealing with the stress. A lot of my friends don't even understand the depth of mine because they don't think they have ever seen me in a panic. But at parties, out to lunch or shoots I feel it. It's happened with every person I know at some point or another..I will toon out mid conversation. I sort of stare into space thinking about different things to ground me in that moment.

Lastly, despite all this.... I acknowledge that I have it easy compared to other people. I have found ways to live with my anxiety. Although I still have some really bad days... most are manageable. Not everyone with anxiety is this lucky.

I wish we as a society could look at mental illness differently. I am not asking anyone to treat me with the kid gloves... but to acknowledge that it's real illness like anything physical. And just how you need self care for the flu or a cold... we need self care for the mind.
​
*** Disclaimer I am not a medical professional and am purely speaking from my own experiences and from things people in my peer support groups have shared. I am not self diagnosed. I am under the care of a medical professional / therapist. Treatment varies for different people. What works for me is talk therapy, kind and understanding friends and family, meditation, grounding exercises, aromatherapy, music, and physical activity like walking or dancing. I am not anti medication. I am not on meds, but believe everyone has to do what is right for them.

There are some things (and honestly some people) that just no longer mesh into your life. Sometimes it's not just enough to ignore the situation, you have to pick up and leave. I spent ten years in a city I hated. I thought it was perhaps simply the people I associated myself with making me so unhappy, but it was so much deeper than that. I was living for change and peace around me but was surrounded by hateful people who were going no where. Just going outside, walking the streets and over hearing the conversations of strangers. I could not escape it. I had to get my family and myself out of there.

Change is good. Whenever someone says I have changed, I see it as a wonderful thing. I am constantly learning and growing. Society is always shifting. As I learn new things, my opinions and outlooks on life change. I am not the same person I was two years ago. And I am definitely not the same person I was 1 year ago. I don't even think I am the same as six months ago.

I keep saying this, and I will continue to do so.... LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO BE UNHAPPY. Don't wait for change, make the change. Cut all the negative out. Don't let it hold you back one second longer. Not everyone has the will to or can drop everything and leave. I understand that. In my personal life I am adapting to a minimalist lifestyle. That isn't everyone's jam. But for me it made leaving everything behind so much easier.

You can set your own goals. Come up with your own plan. Go as fast or as slow as you need... but don't stand still. It's scary. It may even feel impossible, but if I can do it. Trust me. Anyone can.

It's a rainy Monday here in Illinois and my shoot canceled on me... I am not actually too bummed about it as I am feeling very emotionally exhausted which has lead to physical tiredness.

Dealing with depression is an every day struggle for me. And over the past couple of weeks, my anxiety has definitely made me noticeably irritable, tense, and really unpleasant at times.

Meditation is a blessing, but it isn't a miracle cure by any means. And honestly, this is all first world problems, I know, but they’re my first world problems and I have a right to vent them if I choose to.

I am choosing to speak more openly about my aniexty and depression as an opportunity to change the perception we all have on social media. Perfectly lived lives arranged for people through photos and vague status. People we haven't spoke to in person in months... Perhaps even years. I know I am guilty of this. Even when I share the bad I get emotional and end up deleting the post.

I opened a door when I first started talking about my grief and PTSD after losing my father. Whilst I still am a very private person, and enjoy people not knowing much about my life...I think this particular part should be talked about as it might help others dealing with the same thing. I really want to open up to people who may not understand what depression is. Or perhaps inspire someone going through something similar.

A couple weeks ago I said to my thearpist;

"this morning I woke up and just understood why Anthony Bourdain did what he did."

Of course she was concerned, and I had to dig in deeper for her. I mean, I wasn't going to hurt myself - but I understood.

He had a life he loved and enjoyed. One that a lot of the world, my self included was very envious of. But yet something deep inside was truly digging at him.

There really isn't too much wrong in my personal life, my business, or in my family that would warrant thoughts of suicide and overwhelming depression. But yet, there I was.. or am?

So I understood. I understand.

So friends... if you’re struggling right now, I see you. I was you. I’m still you (clearly). Keep fighting, it’s worth it. More importantly, you’re worth it. We’ll get through this, together.

If you can't get out the house to see a therapist, I recommend www.betterhelp.com

They have a ton of promo codes for free sessions floating around the internet. I am not sponsored by them, so sadly I don't have a promo code... but if you google around, I am sure you can find them. Their website is full of licensed therapists and you can even shop around until you find the one that works best for you.

Struggling a bit financially but still need someone to talk to? https://www.7cups.com also has licensed therapists, but also offers a FREE community with tons of resources and communities + FREE peer to peer chat. So if you're looking to talk to someone dealing with something similar, they are a community of really awesome people.

If you need help right now in this very moment, the national suicide hotline is 1-800-273-8255

Or if you are like me, and talking on the phone with strangers gives you a bit of anxiety...

Text 741741 from anywhere in the USA to text with a trained Crisis Counselor.

I also can suggest some spiritual coaches and peer support groups if needed. Just shoot me a message here on fb.

Sometimes when I am talking to my best friend / soul twin, or with my daughter, I feel like the Mormon at the door wanting to talk about my Lord and Savior - but in my case I am not talking about Jesus Christ, I am talking about Ram Dass.

It isn't about religion though - it's about hearing someone speak who in a time of darkness had words that resonated with me and changed my world view. So I love to talk about him. A LOT.

So This post is going to be about my experiences during Ram Dass's summer solstice mindfulness and meditation renewal that I took part in this past June/July. (It was free btw)

Ram Dass offered a lot of ways to meditate. My depression and ADD cause conflict with my concentration. He offered great advice beyond the typical 'concentrate on your breathing'.

He used the example of watching a river... we see leaves floating down stream but we can't hold on to them. You have to let them float by. Our thoughts during meditation are those leaves.

It was a very cool way to think about it. And unlike a lot of other teachers of meditation, he doesn't make you feel bad for not getting it right.

Honestly he doesn't make you feel bad for anything. He just makes you feel... loved and like you want to pass along that vibe to the entire world.

I appear to be transitioning to a buddhist lifestyle and this is causing conflict in other areas of life because I can't be bothered to fight with people about "stuff" ...

I love it and it is a strange feeling at the same time ... as if I am watching things unfold from above myself, and also within myself aware of the feelings...

I keep having the same thought...

"why can't you put this down? That seems painful, why do you want to choose that?"

And then I have to remember that they are not on my journey (and resist the urge to drag them along).

When I first started reading his words and listening to his podcasts, I felt a bit guilty for my thoughts. My anger, my pain... my potty mouth. I felt guilty for being who I was as a person.

Through this journey of self love and just love for life... dare I say it 'BE HERE NOW'. Living now. Not in the past, or the future. Right now.

People don't seem to grasp that six months ago I was dying. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to talk to Tavo or the kids. I didn't want to see my friends. I wanted nothing and no one.

Taking power and control of my own life and actions. I decided to turn my father's passing into a time of deepening compassion and love for all beings that are grieving and suffering. And I knew I could not do it surround by people and things who brought me so much pain.

I packed up what we could fit in 9 boxes and left 12 years of my life behind in Pennsylvania. I refuse to fall into the dark tunnel of morbid reflection again.

Meditation is truly my medication.

I do...I fall off track.... I get stuck in my old thought process. I don't want to do anything when I get lost in my deep depression.

I text and cry to my soul twin. I go on long walks with my family.

And if I am going to be really honest - I had a deep fall recently, and I think this moon is messing a bit with my head. As such I hadn't really practiced this week and felt very off center and falling into old habits.

But as Ram Dass says:

“This really isn’t “falling off the path,” it’s just another part of the path. My guidance in regards to practice is to go slow. Try not to get too, ‘gung-ho,’ don’t figure you’re gonna get enlightened today. Relax into it and just start to tune in.”

So I did a little 5 - 10 minute meditation practice today and already feeling a little bit more grounded. I’m going to start from week one tomorrow. This is just a little reminder to anyone in the same position that sometimes life does get in the way, but it’s all part of the path set out for us in this lifetime. Our heart cave is always there, we need just breathe to find it.

Thank you, Ram Dass, for your advice - 'So it turns out there’s no rule book to take with you in life that says, “When I get into this condition, do this.” My rule is actually really simple, I continually work to quiet my mind, to stay mindful'.

Nameste🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻

****Disclaimer****

I am still in therapy. 🤗 I do not believe that any of this is a magic cure to my depression, or that I don't need therapy. It's an important part of my healing.

I am also still very active in my grief groups and do peer to peer talk therapy.

It's a personal journey. What works for me may not work for you. But if you are dealing with depression... please please please seek help. Talk to someone.

Inbox me. I have some ways to help you find a therapist in the privacy of your own home.

Or if you want more information on meditation or Ram Dass, I'd love to talk about it.

"All that you seek is already in you" - Ram Dass #beherenow

This time of year is always very hard for me. My grief is in constant waves. But June will always be the hardest. As memories pop up here on facebook, or people comment old posts (with the purest of intentions)... I have to remind myself that thinking about what I could or could not have done differently.... living in constant regret is only killing my soul slowly. It's not what my father would have wanted for his daughter. It isn't what I want for myself.

I am working on redefining what June means to *me*. It will always be sad... but maybe it doesn't have to be so difficult.

I sent a love and light package to my dear friend back home in Carlisle. Her and I both lost a loved one on the same day and I wanted to help her get through it even though I couldn't be there in person. Such a terrible thing to have in common with someone, but it created an amazing bond.

I talked my best friend into doing my baba Ram Dass's Summer Solstice Meditation Renewal. He has an open mind... but is probably like lol what am I getting myself into!

Finding hope.... looking forward to little things. It's what gets me by.

Depression doesn’t discriminate. It knows no boundaries. Anthony Bourdain had money, he had fame, he was respected. He touched many lives. He had maybe the coolest job I can conceive of. A life I wanted.

Sigh...What I am saying is.... Depression doesn’t care. It can happen to anyone.

We all need to do a better job at understanding these things are out of our control. There is no simple solution. You can't just tell someone drink some water, get more sleep... think positive etc..

Sure I talk a lot lately about love, light, and my inner spiritual journey. Crystals and affirmations have brought me a lot of happiness and help me deal with my greif and PTSD...

HOWEVER... it is important to stress that I am also in therapy. I do not think ANY of this would help without my peer to peer consoling or chats with my thearpist. I get regular help for dealing with depression. I speak openly about it. I bug the heck out of my support system and close friends. You don't have to suffer alone. Get help if you need help.

We need you here. There is nothing to be ashamed of. It isn't your fault....

Suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255

But if you're like me and are weird about being on the phone... there is a text service too. The 'Crisis Text Line'

Text 741741 from anywhere in the USA
to text with a trained Crisis Counselor.

"Every texter is connected with a Crisis Counselor, a real-life human being trained to bring texters from a hot moment to a cool calm through active listening and collaborative problem solving."

I have personally used this service several times. And even at 4am, they connected me with someone to talk to.

Another good service is https://www.7cups.com they also peer to peer help as well as licensed therapists. If you download their app, they have grounding exercises and other things you can do to offer a distraction. Most of their services are free.

You can also talk to me. Inbox me. I might not have the right things to say. But I will listen, I want to listen.

I put together my first Crystal Grid. I love it so much. I plan on later explaining just what a crystal grid is, what it's used for and why all crystal lovers should add this to their meditation. Also, I pulled these two cards.

"Our whole spiritual transformation brings us to the point where we realize that in our own being, we are enough." - Ram Dass

Self-care is so much deeper than bubble baths and manicures. It's spiritual, it's mental. Sure those things help, but getting deep into your core... deep inside your soul is where your care needs to begin.

As hinted in my other post, I have started the book "Be Here Now" by the amazing man of love and light himself Baba Ram Dass

As I learn more about myself and my longing for a deeper connection into my soul and spirit, the teachings of Ram Dass just called to me. Taking care of my heart, mind, and soul are top priority in my self-care routine.

This week I picked up some lavender essential oil to help with sleep. I also got some raw amethyst crystals for anxiety.

The following post is from my personal facebook;

I deleted facebook a couple nights ago because I have been feeling very triggered as memories I had turned off keep popping to my feed and this is around the time 2 years ago were I was looking up hospice.

I have also been struggling with drastic mood changes which cause me to engage in stupid arguments that are nothing more than semantics.

It's funny how facebook has become the needed platform for a lot of our lives. I am not talking addictions, that is a whole conversation in itself. I am talking about the way companies, artists, support groups, teachers etc have based their whole entire business through facebook.

Myself included.

I sat down this morning, made my coffee and thought to myself... oh yeah peer grief therapy tonight. Got to make it. My therapist hosts these 3 times a week. Two of which are streamed via facebook live in a private support group.

These aren't mandatory meetings, and apparently facebook is the preferred method as others tend to be internet challenged and only use their devices to access facebook. Sigh

Then I realized with my own bussiness, deactivating my page makes it not visible. In 2018 your value as an artist or photographer... well, business owner really.. Your work, at least in part is evaluated based on the activity and popularity of your social media pages.

Not complaining in the sense of.. oh my let's all delete facebook. Merely saying that I am surprised how reliant I am on this platform for more than the basic checking up on family and friends.

I am not in the greatest place right now mentally. And I say mentally because everything else in my life is pretty... awesome.

With that said, I am in therapy. I have been seeing the same therapist since Pennsylvania through her private sessions online every two weeks and group peer meetings weekly. I attend. I don't usually want to, but I do it anyway.

Long story short.... my page is here... but my mind and heart really aren't into social media right now. I know a lot of people love and care about me... So I wanted to make sure everyone knows that I am ok and I will be back to posting normal again as we get more into summer.

This time of year will always be hard for me. Thanks for understanding.

So that is where my heart and mind are this morning. As I promised, I won't just share the good through my journey... but the bad too.

I am also not giving up on my journey to happiness through love, kindness, and compassion. I just need a little break.

I say it all the time, but self care is so important. You can not help others without taking care of yourself too.

I have a lot of topics I really want to touch on this week including my spiritual experience during my dad's hospice and why I feel openly taking my readers through this with me is very important.

I will also share some recent selfcare and meditation items I bought, as well as the current book I am reading.

Let's start off with.. what IS a vision board? Make-a-vision-board's website says; A vision board is a tool used to help clarify, concentrate and maintain focus on a specific life goal. Literally, a vision board is any sort of board on which you display images that represent whatever you want to be, do or have in your life.

A lot of times we see these for long term goals that to take place over the course of years, maybe even a lifetime. For example, your board might be that you would like to become a millionaire. So you would find imagery online or in magazines related to that goal. Whatever is important to you.

For my long term vision board, I am still working the kinks out. I want something a bit more solid once I am sure about my direction. But I still wanted a fun way to pull together some goals and ideas. So I decided to give a digital board a shot. It's really easy and you can do it too.

So for my short term goals, and going digital I used pintrest.com to find pictures of the things I wanted to set for my goals. I had to decide on a really good time frame. For me, my goals are for six months. This means these are the things I want to make happen over the next six months.

You really have to envision yourself not only working on, but living your best life. I say that phrase a lot. Living YOUR best life. This should be based on your own goals. Your own hopes and dreams. YOUR standards. So when making your board, keep that in mind. This is for you, not other people. You don't even have to post your board if you do not want to. Just work on your goals, the things in life that make you happy.

You may not be sure what you would even want to put on yours, so let me dig a little deeper into for you;

-You can share things you want to do! Get a new job, climb a mountain! Whatever pops in your head.

-Places you want to go. You want to travel to Italy? Put it on your board.

-Who you want to be. Maybe your goal is to be a kinder person, or be a better mom.

-Things you want to learn. Maybe a new language. Or how to places you would like to go.

Let's talk about my board's goals. Again, for me, it's 6 month shorter term goals. And they are pretty personal. Yours maybe be nothing like this. But here are mine;

- Continue to declutter and practice minimalism.
- Learn more about different species of houseplants and find the most sustainable for my family's lifestyle.
-Submit some of my work to an art show event.
-Give myself some more self care.
-Read actual books I can hold and turn the pages.
-Plan a beach vacation to a beach I have never been to and GO!
-Work on my yoga posing goals.
-Polish my raw crystals, give them life.
-Meditate more when feeling stressed or overwhelmed.
-Study the teachings of Ram Dass, my guru.

I really hope these ideas will be helpful to anyone looking for fun and interesting ways of goal keeping. Keep your board someplace you will see it every day. Make it your facebook profile cover, set it as your phone's background. Let it help you stay on task.


What's going on your board?

I think one of the biggest confusions about trying to live a positive lifestyle is that you have to be happy all the time. That just isn't true. You will have off days. I have them. If you go through my blog, I speak pretty openly with my grief and sadness. This blog has been a way for me to heal.

I once had a blog that averaged 5k visitors and readers a month. It received many comments, mostly positive. It truly was something I loved. However when my father became ill, and I started losing friends, I stopped writing. Then when my father passed, I deleted the blog entirely. I regret it because I had a lot of things over the past 8 years that I would have loved to look back and reflect on.

This blog doesn't get much traffic. My website does, I get roughly 1k views a week which is wonderful, for business... but the blog is rarely clicked. But you know, I keep on writing. I keep going.

This blog is like therapy to me. My ups and my downs are all here for the world to see. It really goes back to a realness through vulnerability. I have learned without being vulnerable, open and honest. Without showing people that hey... I am human too that I am offering nothing to anyone in this world.

I blog for ones who've seen confusion and known struggle, who have pulled themselves up from the shackles of heartache and strife, disappointment and darkness, exhaustion, and loss. They have risen with a heart as open and unwaveringly wide as the ocean itself... but humble enough to not have to tell people how big their heart is. Because when you're a good person, have clean karma, a big heart, and are empathetic... there is no need to remind anyone.

That is one of the life lessons I have taught my children as they seek guidance in life let it be through spiritual leaders, friends, family, even politicians. Seek out the humble. A good person with a good heart and empathetic soul will not have to remind you how good they are. You may never even hear those words come from their lips. But you will feel it. The energy they give off. The vibes you have with them. You will just know.

Through my own imperfections, I find myself questioning things that happen to me. And I catch myself.... I don't always utter the words outloud. But sometimes I do say in my head. "Why is this happening to me, I have such a big heart... I am a good person". But I can not think like that. If I am going to put trust in the universe and have faith in my plan.. then I shouldn't question what I deserve or don't. I should just keep going with the flow.

And you know? As I started this post and mentioned above. Today is a bad day for me. I am not feeling my normal self.....

I have questions. I am questioning my journey. My path. My path to healing, working through grief, and finding happiness in my best life.

There is vulnerability in letting our guard down and experiencing joy. I recently heard the quote “Happiness is a feeling, not a condition.” I like that because it gives space for us to let that feeling come and go without having to attach to it, and with more appreciation when we feel it.

Something I pay attention to daily is ‘what feels like to flow and ease versus what feels like force and fighting?’ Even the hardest things I have accomplished, when done efficiently, timely and with proper alignment came with relative ease. Alignment can be felt and seen not only in your physical body, but also emotionally and spiritually. Alignment feels like integrity, honesty, a connection and expression from core values. Alignment with the people around you comes from clear conscious communication, doing what you say you’ll do when you say you’ll do it, setting and maintaining boundaries, and taking your hats and masks off so there is congruency in your self and in your life. You don’t have an endless amount of energy and ability to focus, and alignment allows us to conserve and create high quality energy throughout our day.

Days like this.... I can be honest with myself and others. I feel a bit worn out. I am missing my father. I feel overwhelmed...


I feel....

I am human......

I.....

Feel.....

My alignment is off, but I am going to jump off the internet for a bit and do a little reflection within myself.

But I am going to keep going, and you should too. Don't let these days stop your progress. Maybe you had a fight with a friend, your mom, your husband... maybe you're left with self doubt and are questioning your own journey. Please don't. Keep pushing through. Trust in karma. Trust in the universe. Things will smooth out for you again.

This is me without makeup and filters. I am human. I have my flaws. I struggle sometimes to see that in myself. I am so self conscious about myself sometimes... because I have red cheeks and I have adult acne and eye bags and somewhat wrinkles... grey hair... I am very overweight and I have many more flaws. And I may not be as pretty as other girls but I want to let you girls know that are in the same boat as me that sometimes think the same ways as I do; you might think you are not pretty as the girl in front of you or next to you or that you don’t look good in that outfit or in that makeup or without makeup but guess what fuck it. Embrace it. You are beautiful. Everyone’s beautiful in there own way. Learn to compliment and love yourself because no one is perfect. And who ever likes you or loves you will accept your flaws and they learn to love them, that’s what makes you different from everyone. And beauty is not everything, personality counts a lot too. Just remember to give yourself a compliment,it will boost your confidence up and you will learn to be comfortable in your own skin.

​ I am obsessed with becoming a woman comfortable in her own skin. In the end of the day beauty is having confidence and accepting who you are - when you make this transition not everyone will like you... But you won't care about it one bit!

So this is not my prettiest angle, but I am sharing it with you guys today (rolls and all) because I am 25lbs down and on my 5th yoga class! As I said in a previous post, sometimes being open and vulnerable is a good thing. It teaches us we don't have to pretend to be something else. In light of this new thinking, I have been sharing more and more full body images of myself. I can love myself even at the start of this weight loss and soul searching journey.

Early before going into my Tuesday evening Mindful Mini class, threw on some meditation music and just let go!

This space felt like Zen, the vibes were so beautiful. The blessing of just letting it go flowed so beautifully for me in this space.

The first step in Spiritual Surrender is- Prayer, and asking for the highest good for all! So I sat in meditation. Truly doing just that, praying for this feeling of acceptance. It is a powerful thing to become humble and courageous enough to dig deeper, to let go that little bit more. However, I am so ready for this work! This deep pull that has come over me to finally show up for what I have been so deeply ignoring.