I continue to struggle with not having you in my life anymore. We're coming up on two years since you've been gone, but lately it feels like day too...not year two. I worry that I am not getting better. Sometimes I fear that I will never get better.
I find myself angry a lot. At myself, at the world. At everyone who can get up in the morning and live their lives. I am so livid that nothing feels the same. Like the colors around me. The greens in the grass, the golden oranges in pinks in a sunset. They don't look the same to me. They look off... like when I didn't set my apature properly. Like I am looking at a world with not enough light.
I am haunted by the things that were not said. Before you died.. the morning you passed you told Robbie there was still so much you wanted to tell me and it kills me that I will never know.
I am not the most loving person in the way of hugs or physical touch. And I wish, as an adult I would have hugged you more. I wish I could have given you more actions than words. And you know what I think about? Holding your hand as you passed and the last time I did that before that day. I think I was 12 or 13... you grabbed my hand to cross the street and I remember thinking oh god what if someone from school sees me. I feel guilty now for thinking that.
I am a mess of guilt and burdens that I know are not exactly mine to bare but it doesn't stop me from feeling them all. Knowing things were not my fault doesn't help me sleep at night.
We are soon entering the 3rd month of 2018. Tavo and I are faced with a life changing decision and I have no idea what to do. We are so very lost and I desperately need your wisdom. I feel like you are the only one who could have lead us in the right direction. Honestly, dad? My life has been a string of choices that haven't always been in my best interest since you passed. I find it so hard to even think about the direction my life should go as to me... my whole entire world has stopped moving.
I guess... here is some good news. I have reached back into therapy. That is where this letter is coming from. I am trying to deal with my PTSD in a constructive way. This letter. I know you will never ever read it, but maybe some day someone will come across it. Maybe it will help them.
I love and miss you. I hope there is more for you. I hope in some way you are still you and you are happy. I love you very much and I think about you every day. I know if I could be half the person you were my kids will be ok.
I will continue to write to you. And I hope that some day these letters won't be so sad.
A family tradition almost lost.... in 2015, Tavo and I talked about doing new traditions for our little family. We both loved the idea of elf on the shelf, so decided it would be a new Lopez family tradition. That following spring my father fell ill, and that summer he passed away. So that following Christmas, 2016 we did not unbox our new elf. I spent the next year very mad at myself. I really wanted my kids to have this. Especially my two youngest. Poppy and Justin who still believe in the magic of Christmas. Being able to push through the grief and pull together really takes a lot of forgiveness and soul searching within myself. This year we are going to try harder as a family to be happy again. To love, and to be loved.... and we will be welcoming a new elf friend. Name coming soon!
I really thought that this year it would be easier. I could come into November feeling productive. Host a #LungCancer project, have a happy Thanksgiving dinner, smile on your birthday... but I have not been able to do anything. I still struggle to get up in the morning. And this past month has been one long string of what feels like never ending anxiety and depression. I could give you a fancy metaphor about dark deep holes forming below me that I fall into. Not being able to climb out...That feeling of absoulte hopelessness. But....Maybe simply saying that the part of me that died in June of 2016 is now killing what was left of the person I used to be. If you could see me now, I know you would not be pleased with what you saw.... Still, even that isn't motivation enough to claw even a tiny hole to peek at the light that was once there. I used to be the happy friend. The one always making jokes and people enjoyed being around. Now I have no one left. And I can't blame them as I don't even want to be around myself. I miss you, dad. You were the only person who understood me and loved me unconditionally. You were more than a father, you were my best friend. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. None of us were. There were just so many things that were unsaid. You were supposed to see Ashlie graduate and tell Poppy stories. I don't like being the oldest in the family. I don't know how to guide and keep everyone together. I feel like I have failed you and I can't keep my promises. As I write this I just feel even more crazy as I know you will never read it. Your consciousness, your energy is moved on into space or the Earth... you.. the things that made you, you are gone. And grasping that just tortures my mind. I am so tired of being tired.
These are my purchases. I feel really good about it and plan on talking about my new pretty stones in a future post.
Hello friends. Next month is Lung Cancer Month, and in honor of those survivors, those lost and their families, friends, and loved ones... I am going to do a ART/Photography project. My hope is that it will go viral and get a discussion going.
It is hard for us because we compete with prostate cancer awareness that month. Getting the conversation going is not easy, but I believe even if we could help end the stigma around Lung Cancer just a little bit... we would have done something great.
I live in the Harrisburg area of PA... but I have thought of a way that everyone can participate in this project around the world.
All you need is a black marker, a couple sheets of paper and a camera. 💗
I want our stories heard. I want people to know that we need help. If this sounds like something you are interested in, please let me know. Together, we can make change.
I lost my father Robert Edward Taylor Jr. to Small Cell Lung Cancer on June 16th 2016. We had only found out about his extensive stage small cell in May. We first knew something was wrong late April. We tried chemotherapy, but his body had a bad reaction. In addition to getting an advanced case of blisters on his feet, he developed pneumonia. His WBC was over 100,000 thousand and after being in the hosptial a month, he was tired... he just wanted to come home. So we made plans for the home hospice.
He passed away exactly 7 days after leaving the hospital. That last week will always stay iny mind because I believe I was truly blessed and able to talk about the things I needed to before he passed. Throughout this journey I met so many people who were not able to say their last goodbyes, and for that I am greatful.
His wishes were that his body be donated to science so that someday, no family will have to feel the way that we all do. I started a cancer awareness page here on facebook in his honor. I hope that I can help spread awareness for this terrible disease.
Today on World Lung Cancer Day, I would like people to remember the courage my father had. Not just in his battle with cancer and will to live... but how he lived his life.
He was a single father of two daughters. A man raising 2 daughters alone wasn't easy. He worked as a veterinary tech for 35 years. He was passionate about his job and taking care of animals.
He loved music. Jazz, blues, and rock n roll. He had a place in his heart for Marvin Gaye, The Beetles, John Coltrane, and Eric Clapton.
He was a fisherman and taught his daughters how to fish. We would go to the lake every Sunday growing up in NY and would catch sunnies, bluegills, catfish, trout, and black bass.
He was a lover of the beach, ocean, and nature in general. Our special place was Glen Island in New Rochelle, NY.
He had a passion for cooking. One of my favorite things he made was chilli. I've tried forever to get mine to taste as good as his. It was just perfect.
He is survived by his two daughters. Lauren Taylor and I. His six grand children. Ashlie 16, Robert 14, Kelli 11, Anthony 11, Justin 8, and Poppy-Marie 3. His son in law, Gustavo Lopez jr. whom he looked at like his own son. And his best friend of 50 years, Brian Gillen.
I hope that I can continue to make my father proud and make a real difference in the fight to battle Lung Cancer. Thanks for reading.