Last night I dreamed about fishing at the lake with my dad... the lake off Webster ave in Pelham, NY. I often wonder how it looks now and if I am remembering it right and how much has changed over the years. One of my favorite things to do was see how much the trees grew in photos from the year before.

As the dream went on I started to remember my dad's Lung Cancer....I wonder why he isn't sick and why we are back in NY. Then it hits me....

My grandfather walks up to me, and we are both watching my dad fish.

I said to him, "he looks good, huh?"
He smiled at me...
I then said... "I know I'm sleeping."

His face dropped and everything around us went grey. Just a big empty space. My grandfather and I are the only two people there. I then said...

"It's ok. Thank you for letting me come here."

And he hugged me. He hugged me so tight I felt it and I swear it was real. I woke up feeling content.... and calm. Many times I dreamt about my dad or my grandparents it hits me that I am dreaming, but this is the first time I ever told them I knew.

My new sleepless night routine is listening to the old 1950s Scifi radio show X Minus One. I am obsessed. The story telling is great. A lot of it is predictable, but there are some surprises. I was very surprised at the quailty. Sounds as good as it did when it first aired I imagined.
I think it's also a cool way to connect with my dad as this was one of the shows he listened to as a kid. I find a lot of enjoyment in doing the things he loved. I truly believe that our loved ones live on through us. Doing their hobbies, listening to their music, telling their stories.

🌠Simple ways you can put positive energy back into the universe this week. 🌟⚡

• Put a little more love into the world. Some more kindness. Let it be with a friend, loved one, or even a stranger. 💫
• Try your best, and know that your best is ok. 💫
• Forgive people. Forgiving doesn't mean that their actions were ok, or that you have to have some sort of relationship with them again. Do it for yourself. Hate and anger are heavy weights for us to carry around. 💫
• Think as positively as you can. It can be hard, but watch how much it boosts your mood and those around you. 💫
• Eat nutrious food, drink lots of water. 💫
• Let go of unhealthy attachments to people and things. 💫
• Be humble with successes. 💫
• Don’t be reactive to negativity. 💫

If you can't get out the house to see a therapist, or don't have health insurance. I highly recommend www.betterhelp.com
They have a ton of promo codes for free sessions floating around the internet. I am not sponsored by them, so sadly I don't have a promo code... but if you google around, I am sure you can find them. Their website is full of licensed therapists and you can even shop around until you find the one that works best for you.
Video chat, phone call, text / email. As often as you need. Whatever works best for you and your budget.
I personally use them.
((***edit I recently found out they have discounts for low income families. I am not sure how this works, but worth an inquiry. ))
Struggling a bit financially but still need someone to talk to? https://www.7cups.com also has licensed therapists, but also offers a FREE community with tons of resources and communities + FREE peer to peer chat. So if you're looking to talk to someone dealing with something similar, they are a community of really awesome people.
If you need help right now in this very moment, the national suicide hotline is 1-800-273-8255
Or if you are like me, and talking on the phone with strangers gives you a bit of anxiety...
Text 741741 from anywhere in the USA to text with a trained Crisis Counselor.
I also can suggest some spiritual coaches and peer support groups if needed. Just shoot me a message here or on fb.

“Dear Universe, May I now be permitted to clear this space so that my intentions can flow clearly from my heart onto paper. So be it, so it is.”

#NewMoon #MoonRitual #NewMoonManifesting

I don't think anxiety is the same for every person. And I believe there is this huge misconception that one can simply turn it off like a light switch.

Sometimes my anxiety makes me feel like everyone hates me. I mean... everyone. Honestly if you've been in my life the past ten years, I have felt this way about you at some point. Maybe you took too long to answer a text. Maybe you were busy and didn't answer at all. The littlest things can trigger these thoughts. And it's nothing anyone did wrong. Life happens. Rational normal thinking me gets that.. I do. But anxiety me doesn't.

Sometimes at night I stay up until six am thinking about an awkward moment I had with a friend a week ago. Maybe a year ago - or ten? The time and space between an incident really doesn't matter. I am still going to think about it. I am going to worry about it. Despite knowing the person it involved probably doesn't even remember what happened. I still care.

I take everything personally. Even if I don't outwardly show it. I often think that I am being annoying, or that I am talking too much. And I rarely text first because of my overwhelming fears of rejection.

Even though I know all these thoughts are not rational, simply telling me "don't think that way" doesn't work. It does more harm than good because it's just frustrating.

Anxiety becomes so overwhelming for me at times that I feel like I can not breathe. Like a hugs pile of cinderblocks have fallen on to my chest and then someone sat down on them.

Some days everything feels so overwhelming that I can't even get out of bed. I feel physical pain. My body hurts. I feel sick to my stomach. Sometimes I even throw up. I get headaches that bring me to tears.

People with anxiety aren't pretending to have an illness for attention. Most of us don't even talk about it because it's embarrassing and we are misunderstood. It makes us feel out of control with our own lives. With our friends, our spouses, our family, our children.... We don't want this life....

And just because we have irrational fears at times doesn't mean we aren't logical and critical thinkers. As I said above, I know the thoughts or feelings aren't usually true. But that doesn't stop my mind (and body) from going through the motions.

Everyone's levels of anxiety are different. So are our ways of dealing with the stress. A lot of my friends don't even understand the depth of mine because they don't think they have ever seen me in a panic. But at parties, out to lunch or shoots I feel it. It's happened with every person I know at some point or another..I will toon out mid conversation. I sort of stare into space thinking about different things to ground me in that moment.

Lastly, despite all this.... I acknowledge that I have it easy compared to other people. I have found ways to live with my anxiety. Although I still have some really bad days... most are manageable. Not everyone with anxiety is this lucky.

I wish we as a society could look at mental illness differently. I am not asking anyone to treat me with the kid gloves... but to acknowledge that it's real illness like anything physical. And just how you need self care for the flu or a cold... we need self care for the mind.
​
*** Disclaimer I am not a medical professional and am purely speaking from my own experiences and from things people in my peer support groups have shared. I am not self diagnosed. I am under the care of a medical professional / therapist. Treatment varies for different people. What works for me is talk therapy, kind and understanding friends and family, meditation, grounding exercises, aromatherapy, music, and physical activity like walking or dancing. I am not anti medication. I am not on meds, but believe everyone has to do what is right for them.

There are some things (and honestly some people) that just no longer mesh into your life. Sometimes it's not just enough to ignore the situation, you have to pick up and leave. I spent ten years in a city I hated. I thought it was perhaps simply the people I associated myself with making me so unhappy, but it was so much deeper than that. I was living for change and peace around me but was surrounded by hateful people who were going no where. Just going outside, walking the streets and over hearing the conversations of strangers. I could not escape it. I had to get my family and myself out of there.

Change is good. Whenever someone says I have changed, I see it as a wonderful thing. I am constantly learning and growing. Society is always shifting. As I learn new things, my opinions and outlooks on life change. I am not the same person I was two years ago. And I am definitely not the same person I was 1 year ago. I don't even think I am the same as six months ago.

I keep saying this, and I will continue to do so.... LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO BE UNHAPPY. Don't wait for change, make the change. Cut all the negative out. Don't let it hold you back one second longer. Not everyone has the will to or can drop everything and leave. I understand that. In my personal life I am adapting to a minimalist lifestyle. That isn't everyone's jam. But for me it made leaving everything behind so much easier.

You can set your own goals. Come up with your own plan. Go as fast or as slow as you need... but don't stand still. It's scary. It may even feel impossible, but if I can do it. Trust me. Anyone can.

A man saw a snake being burned to death and decided to take it out of the fire. When he did, the snake bit him. The bite caused excruciating pain, the man dropped the snake, and the reptile fell right back into the fire. The man tried to pull it out again and again the snake bit him.

Someone who was watching approached the man and said:
“Excuse me, but don't you understand that every time you try to get the snake out of the fire, it's going to bite you? Why are you being stubborn?”

The man replied:
“The nature of the snake is to bite, but that's not gonna change my nature, which is to help.”

So, with the help of a metal pole, the man took the snake out of the fire and saved its life.

Do not change your nature simply because someone harms you. Do not lose your essence, only take precautions. Worry more about your conscience than your reputation. Your conscience is what you are, and your reputation is simply what others think of you - and what other people think is not your problem... it's theirs.

​(story and photo via facebook viral page)